The winds of change always blow the wrong way, in the wrong fashion. With clarity brings release but this release is not necessarily a welcome one. Relationships are hard to withhold in times of grief and mine has unbearingly broken apart. Death is a transition but brings a new life for the grieving. With this new life changes in mentality are inevitable.
Love is a hard game to play bur the loss of a loved one is harder.

My summer plan

" we read to know that we are not alone" C.S Lewis

I didn't recall writing the last blog post. My dad died 6 days later. Unexpectedly yet inevitably. The cancer days are over and now we're cleaning up the aftermath. Grief, relief and constant emotional turbulence rule my days but slowly I'm wading through the inky water of sadness to find some kind of clarity. Doubtless this clarity will be hard won, the natural life questions that death brings haunt my every decision. Where am going?

Day a billion of the cancer epidemic.

I was going to try and write more but my busy-ness, and my total avoidance of the situation has made my efforts distribute into other areas of my life.

Dad's birthday party, I love him. He made a speech "happy 57th, hopefully i'll make it to 58" yay. Cancer is so harrowing, it's a subject that remains awkward. A third of the population get it but whenever I watch a cancer advert on TV with any of my friends that know I feel like pulling my hair out. Blah (drunk so can't be arsed to write anymore!) x

I would like to be as cool as her.

whoknowswhattowriteabout.com

In the past year since I came back from travelling my brain has disintegrated into a tragic mush of nothingness. Personally I can't decide whether this is due to the avoidance of accepting my dads cancer 'issue' or whether I'm just turning stupid.

So here goes, my reattempt at engaging my brain into something less monotonous than my own current life. Loz, think!

If I were to publish this to a social networking site or expecting anybody to read this then I would probably write what the public wanted; an insight into the current economic crisis, my favourite celebrity crush yadayadah. Instead I'll use this for my own catharsis.

I, Laura Jean Fiddes, personally have a great life. I've got a good job, good friends, a lovely home and people who love me. So why can't I be happy? Why am I screaming, punching pillows, having urges to push children over constantly? Well my dad has cancer, a horrible issue to talk about and one that I'm likely to blame for anything that goes wrong in my life. I know that there are resolute selfish feelings that go with this, which I feel constantly guilty for but what do you do when you're stuck in the same place, in somewhere that you don't want to be. What if you're stuck as a person that you don't want to be? You stay because you love them and you don't want them to feel like you don't. So my important question to the medium of the internet is how can you be happy if you're trapped? And how can you stop feeling trapped and make yourself happy?

There is no resolution to this blog, there is no point to this blog entry, but if anybody reads this that has been or is going through the feelings that I'm going through then maybe my inane ramblings may help but probably not.