So, in an effort not to avoid the issue I thought I'd write it down. I don't care if anybody reads it, or if it's written badly...this is just to help myself.
Last night there was an armed robbery at my work; there were three members of staff working. Me, and my two good friends David and Nat. We were sitting down having a quiet drink after a busy shift and suddenly heard a major crash at the door. David shouted "what the fuck" and three masked gunmen ran into the shop and requested the manager, which is me. For a few vital moments neither one of us said anything, but then with not only the truth but with the vicious need to protect the people that I love I volunteered myself as the manager. I took the masked gunman downstairs with the feeling of cold hard metal pressed against my back. I opened the door and walked to where the cash is kept. He told me that I wouldn't get hurt if I complied, so of course I did. I was shaking, profusely, violently whilst he watched me draw out the cash and I put it into a bag...we then went back upstairs. I told the gunman that there was money in the till and got it out for him, whilst the second gunman came to meet his friend. They were both stood half a metre away from me to my left and right side. They asked where my phone was, but luckily for them, they'd already snatched it off the table... they then asked where the shop phone was and I pointed it out to them. The second gunman threw it on the floor, nearly breaking all of the glasses. I remained cool and calm. I offered them everything that I had/ everything that the shop had in order for us all to get out of their safely. They sat as back down and with their guns pointing back at us they fled. I looked over at Nat and David and felt extreme relief that they were ok and safe. This was also my point of extreme fear. I didn't know what was going to happen, we didn't know which direction they had gone in or whether they had gone back downstairs to look for more cash. I felt vulnerable and unsafe which I still do.
Now..I feel numb, I feel like I can joke about it but that I don't really understand or have begun to comprehend how I feel. I feel agoraphobic, I don't want to be around big crowds of people, I feel distant. I feel hurt, betrayed and sad. The lack of compassion for humanity that these people showed shocked me beyond belief. I've lived through a lot for a 22 year old girl, more than some people in their lifetime. I can continue to be strong but I can't pretend that I'm ok. I feel confused, dainty and unprotected. I feel so unlike myself, and so weak that I can't bear to even show myself to my friends. I feel happy that it was me, and not anybody else. I feel bad for David and Nat. I feel awful for my boss. I feel petrified of returning to work. I feel like I need help but I don't even know where to start. If I send you this link don't judge me for sending it, it's a cry for help but I don't even know what sort of help I want. I just want people to understand. xxx
